Can't it all just work out without coming undone?
by Len Bon
Summary: "Do they all realise that you maybekindof love him – and by maybekindof you really mean somuchthatyoursoulaches?" Because maybe Casey isn't in denial anymore, but it hurts still!


You're obviously a **masochist** – it is the only explanation.

You're obviously a **psycho** – it is the only reason.

You're _**in love**_ – with him of all people.

* * *

><p>If somebody were to ask you when it happened, you wouldn't be able to tell them. You cannot even begin the pinpoint the moment where the line between <em>hatred and love <em>started to blur – or had there ever been clarity there? You can't even explain why you feel like this. . . **You just do.**

* * *

><p>Its killing you because you know its <strong>wrong<strong>. Are you a bad daughter for this? A bad sister? Is this what you'll always amount to?

If you were good to others and thought of family first, surely you wouldn't feel like this. . . Surely he is your_ family_? But you don't love him like family because that would be **weird; crazy; disgusting**. If you loved him like a brother _wouldn'tthisbeeasier_?

* * *

><p>God, you <strong>hate<strong> him. Why is he able to get away from this? Why can't he feel the same burden of emotions you do? Why can't he love you?_ Itisn'tfair_! You wish he felt the same because then at least you'd know you weren't the only one – the only freak.

How dare he get away with not loving you back? If he did, it would be so much easier. . . wouldn't it?

* * *

><p>Does he know? Do they all know? Do they all realise that you <em>maybekindof<em> love him – and by _maybekindof_ you really mean _somuchthatyoursoulaches_? What is **wrong **with you? Do they know what is **wrong** with you?

* * *

><p>It <strong>hurts<strong> because you think he may know because he may have figured it out and he so clearly doesn't feel the same way. Why else would he be calling you _'sis' _all of a sudden? If he knew and felt it to, he'd act on it, right? So he doesn't like you back and that hurts. But you expected it because you are the **freak **who doesn't know what the word _family_ means.

* * *

><p>He is your <span>brother<span>; no he's your _step-brother_. But it is **wrong**. _Onsomanylevels_. You know its wrong because hey, if you liked Edwin like this it's be **disgusting**. But he isn't Edwin, he's not your brother like Edwin is.

Instead, he is _infuriating, arrogant, annoying, loud, frustrating_; _**Derek**_.

* * *

><p>You're<strong> crazy<strong>. You've _accepted_ it and if you can keep up the act of _normalcy(whatevenisthat?)_ for another few months then you'll be gone and far away and not here and back on track to being not crazy. If you are a_ million miles away_, you can't like him any more and you'll be yourself again. University will be your saviour. Remember that because otherwise you'll go crazy and do something stupid. **Just wait.**

* * *

><p>A million miles <em>won'tmakeadifference<em>! Even if they did, you can't get away because he is **following** you. Why does he have to follow you?

You're going to Queen's, far enough from him that you can focus and stop _thinkingpining_ after him like the lovesick fool you've become. It isn't going to work because he is going to Queen's – to make your life hell!

Does he **hate** you? He must really hate you! But you **love** him. _**God**_.

* * *

><p>They want you to share an apartment with him. <em>Dotheyhateyou<em>?

* * *

><p>You don't know how you're <strong>surviving<strong>. . . does everybody else see you like the mirror shows you? The dark marks around your eyes are getting darker – if that is even possible. Your hair is becoming messier and more unkempt – if that is even possible. Your heart is _achingbreaking_ more – if that is even possible. Why do you**love** him?

* * *

><p>He's been <strong>bringing<strong> girls back to the apartment about three times a week. _Threetimesaweek_ you get to sit in your bed, wide awake, listening to him doing everything with the faceless girls. Everything. Everything. Why can't he do everything with you? Why can't you be his everything? _Why can't you have everything_?

* * *

><p>You've gone <strong>crazy<strong> – officially _lost your mind_. **You told him**. You don't know how. You don't know why. You just know that you did.

It was in the most heated argument yet and you shouted. Shouted so** loud **that _fiveandahalfyears_ of _furstrationcrazyangsthurt_ fell into _**threewordsofiloveyou**_. What is wrong with you? You've ruined everything! He'll never look at you the same. He'll never love you back – you are his_ (step)_sister.

* * *

><p>Avoiding him is <strong>working<strong> until you realise you live in the same house. Should you move out? But he's avoiding you too because you're _crazy and stupid_. He clearly doesn't feel the same way and you can't help but **hate** him for that – even though that is how it should be. Why couldn't you be like that? Why couldn't you not be _infatuatedinlove_ with him? He's _family_. Damn it.

* * *

><p>Mum says you look <strong>pale<strong>. George says you look **tired**. Lizzie says you look **sad**. Edwin says you look **unkempt**. Marti says you look **broken**. You say you look **heartbroken**.

* * *

><p>Christmas break is nearly over and it was <strong>hard<strong>. You had to see him everyday, feel him close everyday. You tried to argue like you used to. You tried to ignore him like you used to. It was easier when you were in _denial_ – _''tbecauseyou'reinlovewithyour(step)brother._ When can you go back to school?

* * *

><p>Mum wants to know <em>whatswrongwithyou<em>? An easier question would be to ask what** isn't** wrong with you. . . Everything is **wrong** because you're **wrong**. Nobody should be such a freak of nature. _It hurts so much._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Iloveyou. I love you. I. Love. You.<strong>_

_**Why is he doing this to you? Why is he lying? Why is he. . .**_

* * *

><p><em>You are kissing him. You are kissing him. You are kissing him.<em>

Is this a **dream**? When you wake up will you be more sad than before? Why is your brain tricking you like this? It is _cruel and mean_ and maybe he is actually **kissing you**.

What is happening? Is this a _prankjokelaugh_ at your expense just like old times?

* * *

><p>You <strong>want<strong> to know what took him so long. You **want** to know he took _approximatelyexactly_ five weeks to tell you.

**But you know. **You've always known because you went through it all. It took you _five years_ of denial before you told him. Luckily for you, Derek condenses and is _toodamnlazy_ to wait the same length of time. And so here you are – _**together**_.

* * *

><p>Its <span>still <span>**wrong** and it still **hurts** and you are still the _worstdaughtersisterfriend_ that ever existed. You're **crazy** and **stupid** and still can't explain why you feel like this – feel like this towards him. It is _weird_ and _odd_ which is expected considering everything is all _**blurry**_ where the line has truly started to be blended into the background and _barely exists any more_.

* * *

><p>Everything is <strong>good<strong>. You **love** him. He **loves** you. You are his **everything** and he is **yours**. It is going to be **okay**.

* * *

><p>You're obviously a <strong>masochist<strong> – it is the only explanation.

You're obviously a **psycho** – it is the only reason.

You're _**in love**_ – with him of all people.


End file.
